Demons I Fight

I have demons who tend to wait outside the door of my mind.  They keep waiting for the door to be left open.  That door doesn’t have to be wide open, just the smallest crack and these demons make their appearance.  For me, they are perfectly fine as long as they stay OUTSIDE the door.  The thought of these demons aren’t even a bleep on the radar, until there is that crack.  Those demons don’t knock– ever.  Those demons don’t ever realize they aren’t welcome– well since they are demons, they probably know- they just don’t care.

Once those demons swing the door the rest of the way open, they enter without any hesitation and they start to damage of every inch of my mind.  They don’t even care if, at the moment, I am out having the best time of my life.  It honestly feels like one second I are fine and I blink.  When I open my eyes again the world is darker, lonelier, and sadder.  Honestly, there are time where I can feel all the energy in the world and I turn around and it’s gone.  Those demons steal it away before I even realize what is going on.  That’s the start of their damage though.  They also begin to insert things into my head, that when the demons aren’t there I don’t ever think.

These demons are the master of doubt, manipulation, and worthlessness.  These combine with the sadness and exhaustion.  The darkness and loneliness.  But it’s hard for others to understand because they don’t know how dark my world just became.  Because that demon is a master, that smidgen of loneliness I felt, it is compounded with more loneliness because now no one understand what just happened to me.  There isn’t anyone who’s going to be able to understand what I’m saying because frankly, I can’t always even tell you.  In fact, most of the time this demon has blinded me to why this even happened.  After all, if wouldn’t be a master if it allowed itself to be transparent.  I could easily overcome that.  Then, once I think I have it figured out– it behaves like a bacteria.  It is forced to take the parts of itself that haven’t been found out and combine that with some new parts that have mutated.  This beast really doesn’t rest. I guess that’s what the demon is doing outside the door of my mind.  It’s mutating into something ever so slightly different.

There are combinations of these demons who work well together.  You have the demon of depression.  It’s the demon that comes along to make your world dark.  It’s the demon that comes along and makes your world lonely.  It’s the demon who works quickly to make you feel sad and hopeless.  This demon makes you completely exhausted.  But it often combines with a demon of anxiety.  That demon feeds off the darkness, the loneliness, the sadness, and the hopelessness.  It adds to it the feelings that you are inadequate.  It adds to it the feelings of doubt (in yourself and others).  It adds to it the overwhelming feelings that are so hard to overcome.  This demon makes you overthink everything… it makes you worry… it makes it impossible for you to sleep.  Now, you are exhausted but you can’t sleep.  You can’t shut it all down… because these demons know that in some cases, you might wake up and feel like you can take on the world.  With a little serotonin (sunlight) and a little exercise you might be able to get the upper hand in the fight against these two demons.  So, the human side of you wants to solve this… you’ve got to get the upper hand before they win!  This is often where the third demon is welcomed into the mind.  That third demon is the demon of addiction.  This demon spirals so quickly.  This demon turns that one alcohol drink into a method that is turned to for comfort.  This demon turns those pain pills into a source of comfort.  This demon turns those sleep medications into a need.  It turns self-harming behavior into a feeling (when you feel so numb to everything else).  This demon turns those illegal drugs into comfort they have to search for.  Most of the time, this demon sneaks up.  Most of the time, one day you aren’t addicted– the next day you are.  You’ll find this demon alive and well when you come to the realization that you can’t do ___ without it.  This demon is strong with denial.  This demon is strong with confusion.  This demon is strong enough that it can hide, for years because of the denial and confusion.  It’s also so very strong.  Once it has made it way through once.. it suddenly made itself a copy of your key to your mind.  All it takes is a text message from demon depression or anxiety.  It doesn’t have to wait for someone to open the door– it just does it.  Before you know it, you are fighting any combination of these demons.  One of them, two of them, or even three of them.  Sometimes they will even bring their little demon friends along– but I haven’t had a fight with any of their friends before.  Sometimes their demon friends are what bring along the original three listed.  It’s very individual.  But they are all demons and they all tend to wait outside the door, mutating for whoever is going to come on first.

My personal demons often sneaks up when I am struggling with physical challenged.  My personal demons tend to follow the same routine.  The demon of depression will sneak in.  Often in the middle of something else.  Because I’m pretty good with depression these days, that demon has to quickly invite the demon of anxiety.  So, now I’m not sleeping but I’m exhausted.  When I do sleep– it’s for short periods of time before my weakened mind kicks back up.  Then either worries about things or thoughts of other things will begin.  Soon, I’m convinced that I’m dumb, that I’m just hurting others who are having to be in my life.  Anxiety begins to cripple me about being out around people and how good of a wife/mother I am.  Then the less sleep I get, the more my physical challenges begin to appear, causing a wicked circle.  But that’s a mutation it has made in order to maintain it’s strength off and on throughout my life.  But it doesn’t take long before I’m facing the hardest demon… the demon of addiction.  In fact, there are times where I only recognize the previous demons when I suddenly get the craving to just be able to “buzz” through an evening.  When I get that craving, if I look closely I can suddenly realize that I’ve been down and dark for awhile.  I haven’t been sleeping and I’ve been worrying a lot about things I don’t normally.

Because I’ve been working on the original two demons since I was a teenager, off and on through my adult life… my body created a way to “beat” the demons.  But in a way that it attempts to beat those demons, I’ve also developed a way to put on my mask.  Because nothing is harder than explaining to someone why you are depressed or anxious when you simply don’t know.  My third demon didn’t show up for many years.  No one invited it.  I can’t even tell you when it was that my body decided it needed those pain pills for more than my extreme migraines.  I can’t tell you when I started taking them every night so I could just shut down for the night.  I don’t really know when that third demon showed up.  I don’t know when it made it’s copy of the key for my mind.  I wish I could change the lock.  Oh, and add automatic doors so they don’t get left open!

At his point, the demon that is the hardest to fight is the demon of addiction.  Maybe because I’ve learned my points with each of the others.  I know when I need to ask for help.  I know how long I can push myself.  I generally can get myself back out of it.  But those demons really had to step up their game with this third demon, addiction.  Because that b*tch likes to come out of no where.  If you smoke you will know how you crave that– even if you quit you often still have a craving that will hit out of nowhere.  In theory, even something like coffee or soda can produce that same feeling.  But my soda cravings have never been near as overtaking as the pain medicine cravings. The pain medicine ones can literally make me shake and give me such anxiety.  It is weird.  Now, I haven’t been “clean” as long as I would like say I have been.  However, those times weren’t because of the cravings.  Those times were because I had major procedures done (and had at least a couple narcotic pain pills).  One time was because I had a bad cough (not this last time) and a provider at work felt I needed a cough medicine that has codeine in it.  I only took it once because it made me feel like crap.  But it was still in my body.  I’m at a point in my life, I have to avoid narcotic medications, because like an alcoholic– one drink is enough to set it off.  I know when I take them, even when I need the medication, I face the next few days trying to make sure that I don’t take it any further.  I win against the demon.  I’m determined.

I only share this right now because I’m having a hard time.  My physical symptoms have made a couple demons come into the picture.  I’m working hard on beating them– and hoping by sharing this information I’ll be even more empowered to overcome it.  I have had a few cravings but I haven’t given into them.  🙂

I’m going to beat these demons again!  Do you have any demons?  How do you beat yours?

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